Wearing Suspenders

If you've never worn suspenders before, give it a shot.

There's nothing like the feeling of your pants staying up without any kind of constriction around your waist. It's like some beautiful magic trick.

You'll like it.

Making A Sandwich

When you're making a sandwich, and you want to put cheese on it, put the cheese in between layers of whatever else is on the sandwich, instead of on top. This way, the cheese doesn't get stuck to the roof of your mouth. You know what I mean?

Reading in the Bathroom

If you don't read stuff while you're in the bathroom, don't start.

I remember wondering about why the hell people read stuff on the toilet, and why it seemed like such a massively popular social phenomenon.

Then, one day, I tried it. And now I can't stop.

I read shampoo labels, I read the backs of toilet paper wrappers, I read the labels on towels, I could probably recite the list of ingredients in various types of hand soap.

If there's nothing to read, I kind of freak out.

Don't start.

Making Ice Cube Trays More Fun

I know, I know, people hate when they take an ice cube tray out of the freezer and there's only a couple cubes in there. But this will make it better.

Don't look at a mostly barren ice cube tray as a neglected refill opportunity. Look at it as an opportunity for one of nature's most fun and challenging games.

Do your little twisty-twisty move to get the cube or cubes dislodged, then do your little tray-shake motion to make the cube(s) jump, and try to move the tray itself ever so slightly as to get the cube(s) to land perfectly in the adjacent slot(s).

When you can pull it off, it is one of the most satisfying feelings I can think of. And the more cubes the better.

P.S.

Doesn't refilling a tray that still has one frozen cube left in it somehow seem like a waste of one ice cube? Like all the work it did getting frozen was in vain?

Paying Attention to Music and Cars

If you're driving in a car, listening to music, pay attention to the music and little bumps in the road.

Every now and then, changes in the music go really well with bumps in the road.

Also pay attention to the road.

Getting Rid of the Hiccups

Here's the best way to get rid of the hiccups:

Just try all the different ways you've ever heard of to get rid of hiccups.

Just give 'em all a shot.

At the very least, it's a good way to pass the time until those hiccups go away.

Listening to Small Items

If something small tips over and falls, or if someone tosses something small to someone and misses, like nail clippers, or a lighter, or a pen, or a bottle cap, listen closely.

Sometimes, it'll bounce off things in a good rhythm and sound like a little song.

Click-a-ting-ting-tock!

Stepping On Something

If you're walking around your place at night without shoes or socks on, and you step on something that feels wet and disgusting, don't freak out right away- it's probably just a coin.

Sometimes, cold pieces of metal feel wet and disgusting on your foot.

Making Objects Look Like People

If you have some sunglasses sitting around, and maybe an inanimate object or two, put the sunglasses on top of the object (or wrap them around it somewhere near the top). Then the object will seem like a person!

It works on mugs, bottles, jars, cans of shaving cream, even guitars.

For extra fun, find as many pairs of sunglasses as you can, and put them on all the objects you can find, all facing you. Man is that good.

Looking At A Specific Animal

Go to Google and do an image search to find photographs of a creature named the "Slender Loris."

It's not really going to help you with your life, but man will you enjoy looking at that slender loris.

Pronouncing Certain Words

Try this.

If you pronounce the word "Janitor" or "Senator," but slightly changing the way you say the last bit, you can make them sound like funny Greek mythological figures.

Theseus and the Janitaur!

I wrote an angry letter to my Senataur!

Playing "Tetris"

Try playing Tetris on a computer with a "down" arrow that doesn't work.

It is infuriating.

But if the human body has a muscle that controls patience, that's great exercise for it.

Taking Off Your Shoes

I know it's tempting to just skip the whole untying step, but it's important.

Even though you can just put the toe of one of your feet against the heel of the other one, and pop the foot out without untying the shoe, and then, later, stick your foot back in there and wiggle it until the shoe is all the way on, I think it might be important to untie and then re-tie the shoes.

All that wiggling subjects the shoe to more stress than it's accustomed. Take the extra time, your shoes will thank you.

Looking At People

Find a friend of yours (I suppose a random person will work).

Then stare at them, looking at the point right above the bridge of the nose, directly between their eyes.

Then say, "Hey, which one of your eyes do you think I'm looking at?"

They will have no idea.

Playing "Beat The Cat"

It's not what it sounds like.

If you're all sitting around a table, and you have a deck of cards, and the cat jumps up on the table and sits down there, you should play this game:

Deal one card, face down, to each person. Then deal one to the cat. Flip the cat's card. Then, go around the table, flipping each of your cards. If the cat's card beats your card, you have to drink. If you beat the cat... then you get to feel good about that, I guess.

Play as many hands as you can before the cat gets up and goes some place else (our record- two hands).

It will really make you feel like the cat is almost a human for a little while.

Using The Internet To Entertain Yourself

There are a lot of fun things you can do on the internet. I found this one thing especially fun today.

If you go to wikipedia and type in "animal sounds" you get a list of verbs in the English language that are used as representations for the sounds that various animals make.

It turns out that:

Ferrets "Dook."
Falcons "Chant."
Humans "talk, laugh, scream, sing, whisper, moan, grunt, cry, hum, squeal, chant, whinney, and rap."
Nightingales both "Pipe" and "Warble."
Most other species of bird tend to "Scream," apparently. Even peacocks. I know, right?
Walruses "Ort."
And zebras "Click."

Walruses "Ort" and zebras "Click"?

They "Click"?

I tried to say "Ort" in a variety of ways. Not once did I sound like a walrus.

Look further into that article and you can learn about something called "The Weasel War Dance." In rabbits, it's called "Binky." You can even find links to videos of small mammals performing this bizarre feat.

P.S.

Am I the only one who sees the extremely ironic futility of trying to make a short list of the sounds that humans can make, using letters and words that humans invented to represent concepts and, yes, sounds?

Double P.S.

This is the real bit of advice. Look up "animal sounds" on wikipedia, and start clicking on what appear to be interestingly highlighted phrases. If you read the phrases that you'll find, that people have written, in the right mindset, you'll laugh so hard you won't be able to click another link.

Punching Harrison Ford

I have never seen a movie where someone punches Harrison Ford and gets away with it.

If art imitates life, and you ever run into Harrison Ford, make sure you don't punch him. If you do, you'll either get shot or exploded or strangled or drowned or melted.

Plus, why would anyone ever punch Harrison Ford? What a good dude he seems to be.

Petting Animals

If you're petting an animal, and you want to stop and go do something else, but the animal wants you to keep petting it, just do this:

Stop petting, and give the animal a couple pats.

This is the universally recognized, inter-species signal for "Petting is done."

Having Quarters

This is the one piece of advice that I actually, and frequently, nearly constantly, give to people.

It's good to have quarters.

Any time you see a quarter lying around, pick it up and put it in your pocket. It's good to have quarters.

You never know when you're going to need some quarters.

You know how I learned this?

In a dream.

It's true. I had a dream that I was finding quarters lying around, and I kept putting them in my pockets, and in the dream I kept saying to everyone, "It's good to have quarters."

When I woke up that morning, I realized how true it was. I repeated it out loud to myself, and started collecting quarters in my pockets.

Two days later, I ran into a situation where I needed quarters. And I had some.

It's good to have quarters.

Carpet Skating

You'll need some supplies for this one.

First, you'll need a house that has carpets. Then, you'll need two of those thin cardboard dividers they put into 30-racks of PBR. You could probably use something similar but less specific.

Then, put the little pieces of cardboard on the carpet, and put one foot on each one.

Boom.

Carpet skates.

Wiping Stuff On Your Pants

You can get away with wiping most stuff on your pants.

But listen, don't waste your time trying it with phlegm.

Save yourself the trouble and just get up to find a napkin or something.

Phlegm is so viscous that it really just kind of keeps moving around on your pants when you rub it, and doesn't just disappear like you want it to.

Digging A Really Deep Hole

If the mood strikes you to go out in the woods and dig a really deep hole, just to see how deep of a hole you can dig, remember this:

Don't start the hole on top of a hill. No matter how small the hill is. Dig it next to the hill. Preferably in the valley between two hills.

The lower-lying areas have much deeper layers of easily diggable topsoil. This is a result of naturally occurring processes.

The digging there will be much easier for much longer than it would be on top of the hill. Until you hit those rocks.

Then you'll need the pick-axe.

Typing Your Own Last Name

You might think that you're so comfortable with your own last name that you can type it really quickly, without even thinking about it.

But be careful. Sometimes you get a little too cocky.

Sometimes, I accidentally type "Schnutt" instead of "Schnurr."

Watch out for that.

All those letters are pretty close together.

Photographing Cats

Try if you want, but taking a photograph of a cat is nearly impossible.

This is true for mainly one big reason.

Cats are quick. Once you get that thing all focused in, it's off someplace else.

The only thing that would be quick enough to take a photograph of a cat is another cat.

But that raises more problems than solutions.

Thumbs, first off.

Sitting In The Back Seat

If you're in a car with two other people, and you're in the back seat, just sit in the middle and lean up into the front, between the seats.

Then - BOOM - you're all in the front seat, all on the same page.

The people in the front won't like it as much as you will.

Fighting Zombies (If You're In A Movie Where That Happens)

Don't bother fighting them;

There's no way you can win.

Haven't you ever seen one of those movies? Just imagine the scale.

Watching Movies On Television

Don't get angry when it goes back to commercial "right away."

That's just the way it is, and you need to accept it.

Instead, think, "Hey, at least it didn't stop earlier than this!"

It doesn't really help that much, but I still try.

Plus, if you're watching the movie and you really need to pee or get a new beer or something, hey, at least you don't have to wait as long.

Eating Pizza Part 2

Don't pay attention to the "Bagel Bites" jingle.

Regardless of whether or not it's on a bagel, there's nothing preventing you from eating pizza any time.

Becoming A Dentist

I know dentists are important, and I don't mean to offend people who want to become dentists, but don't try and become a dentist.

What inspires people to do that? Why would anyone feel so passionately about tooth care as to spend years of their life at dental school?

Who are these people?

Don't be one, and don't trust one.

And don't get me started on dental hygienists.

Shaving

I don't care if it works in the movies or if it worked in the past, but shaving or getting shaved with a straight razor seems way too risky.

Look at that thing!

Watching "Frantic"

If you have a DVD of the Harrison Ford film Frantic, watch it without the sound.

It works better if you've never seen it before.

But put it on mute and try to figure out what's going on.

Why is he so frantic? Why does he keep hitting his head on things?

The plot you'll come up with will be better than the actual plot.

Making Your Hair Shorter

Don't pay money to have someone cut off parts of your hair.

Anyone with a pair of scissors can do that.

What a scam that business is.

Remembering Not To Look At Certain Things

There are a few things you shouldn't look at.

But the only one I can remember is the drain of a public water fountain.

Never look at that drain. While your face is right down there next to the drain, and you're slurping that water up, there might be stuff on the grate of that drain that you don't want to see.

Most specifically, phlegm.

Who would spit phlegm into a water fountain? The ground is a much better place for phlegm.

Avert your eyes, you'll enjoy the water a lot more.

Also, don't look inside a mass-produced chicken nugget after you first bite into it. You will not want to take another bite.

You'll even wish you hadn't taken that first one.

Sleeping

This is a treasure-trove of advice. Three bits of advice.

When you're sleeping, and you keep rearranging how you're laying, alternating between stretching your legs out straight and curling them up close, try this:

Stretch one leg out straight and curl one in close. It is really comfortable.

Also, if it's really hot, and having the blanket over you is too hot but having it off is too cold, stick one leg out from under the blanket. It's a great balance. (This one tidbit of advice is from Steve Brevik).

Finally, I have another bit of advice about sleeping when it's too hot:

Flip the pillow over. That underside is way cooler than the one your head has been heating up.

That only works for a little bit, though. That new side gets heated up pretty soon. Vicious cycle.


P.S.

What the hell is a trove?

Flushing Toilets

Remember this if you're using a toilet you haven't used before:

When you're flushing it, continue to hold down the handle, just in case it's one of those toilets where you have to keep holding the handle down to make it flush all the way.

Even if it isn't, holding down the handle for a second is easier than waiting for the tank to refill completely with water before you try to flush it again.

Also, people who might be outside the bathroom won't hear it flush twice. If they hear that, they might assume weird things.

Bonus Information:

Thomas Crapper did not invent the flushing toilet, he merely improved upon an existing design. What he did invent, however, is what's called a ballcock.

Putting Stuff In Your Ear

A lot of people like to say, "Never put anything larger than your elbow in your ear."

It may roll off the tongue nicely, and it may sound wise, but don't bother listening to it.

If you're careful, you can get away with putting stuff in there.

But be really careful.

Leaving The House

Before you leave the house, go take a look at the stove.

Look at each of the dials, and say out loud, "Off, off, off, off, off."

My mom used to do it every time.

I do it too now, and so should you.

Safety is almost as good of a policy as honesty.

Putting On A Coat While Wearing A Sweatshirt

If you're wearing a sweatshirt, or a sweater, or a long-sleeved t-shirt, and you try to also put on a coat, you might find that the sleeves you already have on get caught up in the new sleeves as they go through the coat, and they get all bunched up and come to rest somewhere near your upper forearms.

This is what you should do:

Stretch the sleeves slightly so they extend just onto your palms, then curl your fingers around and grab onto the cuffs before you put the coat on. This way the sleeves stay fully extended throughout the whole process.

You probably already know this, and do it every time.

But if you don't, then come on, man. I learned that trick when I was six years old. I remember the exact moment.

Burning Your Fingers

Try this one, it's good.

Take a match or a cigarette lighter, and very, very quickly, put the flame up to the middle of one of your fingernails (be careful).

When the skin under your fingernail feels that heat, it gives off a little sensation like it's saying, "Woah!"

My theory is that the nerve endings under a fingernail don't usually get to feel any of the sensations they're capable of feeling except for slight pressure sometimes. This way, when those nerve endings feel heat, man, it's like they're hitting their funny bone for the first time.

On a related note, this is a double-whammy of advice.

If you burn your finger or hand or something, put it on the hair on your head really, really quickly. The hair dissipates the heat right away, and really helps it not hurt so much. I learned that from the internet, and it's true.

The hardest thing about doing this is remembering to instinctively put your hand to your head when you burn it instead of just going, "Ah!" and shaking it.

Try the first one, you'll like it. Also, it will most likely give you a chance to try the second one, too.

Playing Minesweeper

Minesweeper is a great game, but I have a better way to play it.

Put it on "expert" and just keep clicking randomly. See how many clicks you can get before you hit a mine.

My record so far is eleven.

Sometimes, you can just tell when you're on a roll. That's a feeling that makes all the times the second click is a mine well worth it.

Appreciating Jeff Goldblum

A lot of people don't like Jeff Goldblum.

I know, I don't understand why either.

But man, those people are missing out.

Learn to like Jeff Goldblum- you'll thank yourself.

Jurassic Park? Come on.

Trusting Fortune Cookies

Fortune cookies are delicious, but don't put any faith in what they claim to be your "lucky numbers."

They are not lucky.

You can, however, learn a lot from the "Speak Chinese!" portion of the fortune.

Eating Pizza

When you eat pizza, it's okay to fold it down the middle and eat it like that.

But remember not to do that every time.

Sometimes, it's good to enjoy a slice of pizza just in its regular, flat form. All the way to the crust.

Eat the crust, too.

Jumping

If you want people to think that you can jump much higher than you can actually jump, follow this advice.

As you jump, bend your legs at the knees, bringing your feet close to your ass.

This way, less discerning people who watch will see the increased distance between your feet and the ground.

And there you go. You jumped really high.

Enjoying Autumn Safely

Make sure you have enough leaves in the pile before you jump.

That ground is hard.

Avoiding Falling Down

If you find yourself starting to fall down, just remember to sit down immediately.

This way, when you end up on the ground, you didn't fall- you sat.

This is just one more thing that sitting down is good for.

Getting Gunk Out From Under Your Fingernails

If you have some gunk under your fingernails, don't waste time cleaning out each nail individually, just take a shower.

To me it seems that every time I take a shower, that gunk is gone.

Watching Movies

When you're done watching a movie, don't turn it off or leave the theater. Watch the credits.

Oftentimes, people involved in making movies have funny, funny names.

Try saying them out loud to yourself.

Usually, this is the best part of the movie.

Entertaining Cats

Don't spend money on toys for cats.

They have enough fun as it is, just with stuff they find lying around.

To them, a cat toy is just another thing they found lying around.

Drinking Water

I have some good advice about drinking a glass of water. The next time you're in that situation, remember this:

First, take a regular sip. Then, lean your head really far to the right, and take a sip. Then, lean your head really far to the left. Take a sip. Next, lean your head really far forward and take a sip. Now, lean your head really far back and take a sip. Cap it off with another regular sip.

This way, the water hits all the sides of your throat. These are parts of your throat that usually don't get touched by water when you drink it. It feels great, and leaves your throat feeling cool and refreshed.

Meeting New People

When you meet a new person, always act really happy to have met them. Shake their hand, look them in the eye, and maybe crack a little joke. Like:

Did I ever tell you the joke about the cookie?

Ah, forget it- It's crummy.

That one always works.

Then, try really hard to remember what they look like. Do this while you're shaking their hand. Stare at them. Try to associate their appearance with the appearance of an animal. Usually, the animal is a marsupial, or some kind of extinct predator. Now, release their hand.

The next time you meet them, go, "Aaaaaah..." While nodding your head, like you remember who they are.

It never works.

Appearing Confident

Making people like you is important, and the best way to do this is to appear confident.

If you end up at someone's apartment, and as you walk in, there are a lot of people sitting around looking at you, there's one important thing to do.

Sit down.

Find a seat, and sit in it right away. Even if it's the arm of a chair, just sit down. If you sit down right away, people will think, "Ah, who's this character? He seems confident."

If there are no seats, sit on the floor, in a convenient space, facing the on-going conversation. This way, people will think, "Ah, this guy seems really comfortable in this situation."

If there is no floor-space, lean against a wall. Cross your legs at the ankles if possible.

Not only will it make you look more confident, it will make you feel more confident.

If there's nowhere to sit, and all the wall-space is already being leaned on, start dancing. There will invariably be music. If you dance to the music, regardless of whether or not you hate the music, people will think, "Man, look how laid back that guy is!"

Try it. It will work.