Reading in the Bathroom

If you don't read stuff while you're in the bathroom, don't start.

I remember wondering about why the hell people read stuff on the toilet, and why it seemed like such a massively popular social phenomenon.

Then, one day, I tried it. And now I can't stop.

I read shampoo labels, I read the backs of toilet paper wrappers, I read the labels on towels, I could probably recite the list of ingredients in various types of hand soap.

If there's nothing to read, I kind of freak out.

Don't start.

Making Ice Cube Trays More Fun

I know, I know, people hate when they take an ice cube tray out of the freezer and there's only a couple cubes in there. But this will make it better.

Don't look at a mostly barren ice cube tray as a neglected refill opportunity. Look at it as an opportunity for one of nature's most fun and challenging games.

Do your little twisty-twisty move to get the cube or cubes dislodged, then do your little tray-shake motion to make the cube(s) jump, and try to move the tray itself ever so slightly as to get the cube(s) to land perfectly in the adjacent slot(s).

When you can pull it off, it is one of the most satisfying feelings I can think of. And the more cubes the better.

P.S.

Doesn't refilling a tray that still has one frozen cube left in it somehow seem like a waste of one ice cube? Like all the work it did getting frozen was in vain?

Paying Attention to Music and Cars

If you're driving in a car, listening to music, pay attention to the music and little bumps in the road.

Every now and then, changes in the music go really well with bumps in the road.

Also pay attention to the road.

Getting Rid of the Hiccups

Here's the best way to get rid of the hiccups:

Just try all the different ways you've ever heard of to get rid of hiccups.

Just give 'em all a shot.

At the very least, it's a good way to pass the time until those hiccups go away.

Listening to Small Items

If something small tips over and falls, or if someone tosses something small to someone and misses, like nail clippers, or a lighter, or a pen, or a bottle cap, listen closely.

Sometimes, it'll bounce off things in a good rhythm and sound like a little song.

Click-a-ting-ting-tock!

Stepping On Something

If you're walking around your place at night without shoes or socks on, and you step on something that feels wet and disgusting, don't freak out right away- it's probably just a coin.

Sometimes, cold pieces of metal feel wet and disgusting on your foot.

Making Objects Look Like People

If you have some sunglasses sitting around, and maybe an inanimate object or two, put the sunglasses on top of the object (or wrap them around it somewhere near the top). Then the object will seem like a person!

It works on mugs, bottles, jars, cans of shaving cream, even guitars.

For extra fun, find as many pairs of sunglasses as you can, and put them on all the objects you can find, all facing you. Man is that good.

Looking At A Specific Animal

Go to Google and do an image search to find photographs of a creature named the "Slender Loris."

It's not really going to help you with your life, but man will you enjoy looking at that slender loris.

Pronouncing Certain Words

Try this.

If you pronounce the word "Janitor" or "Senator," but slightly changing the way you say the last bit, you can make them sound like funny Greek mythological figures.

Theseus and the Janitaur!

I wrote an angry letter to my Senataur!

Playing "Tetris"

Try playing Tetris on a computer with a "down" arrow that doesn't work.

It is infuriating.

But if the human body has a muscle that controls patience, that's great exercise for it.

Taking Off Your Shoes

I know it's tempting to just skip the whole untying step, but it's important.

Even though you can just put the toe of one of your feet against the heel of the other one, and pop the foot out without untying the shoe, and then, later, stick your foot back in there and wiggle it until the shoe is all the way on, I think it might be important to untie and then re-tie the shoes.

All that wiggling subjects the shoe to more stress than it's accustomed. Take the extra time, your shoes will thank you.

Looking At People

Find a friend of yours (I suppose a random person will work).

Then stare at them, looking at the point right above the bridge of the nose, directly between their eyes.

Then say, "Hey, which one of your eyes do you think I'm looking at?"

They will have no idea.

Playing "Beat The Cat"

It's not what it sounds like.

If you're all sitting around a table, and you have a deck of cards, and the cat jumps up on the table and sits down there, you should play this game:

Deal one card, face down, to each person. Then deal one to the cat. Flip the cat's card. Then, go around the table, flipping each of your cards. If the cat's card beats your card, you have to drink. If you beat the cat... then you get to feel good about that, I guess.

Play as many hands as you can before the cat gets up and goes some place else (our record- two hands).

It will really make you feel like the cat is almost a human for a little while.

Using The Internet To Entertain Yourself

There are a lot of fun things you can do on the internet. I found this one thing especially fun today.

If you go to wikipedia and type in "animal sounds" you get a list of verbs in the English language that are used as representations for the sounds that various animals make.

It turns out that:

Ferrets "Dook."
Falcons "Chant."
Humans "talk, laugh, scream, sing, whisper, moan, grunt, cry, hum, squeal, chant, whinney, and rap."
Nightingales both "Pipe" and "Warble."
Most other species of bird tend to "Scream," apparently. Even peacocks. I know, right?
Walruses "Ort."
And zebras "Click."

Walruses "Ort" and zebras "Click"?

They "Click"?

I tried to say "Ort" in a variety of ways. Not once did I sound like a walrus.

Look further into that article and you can learn about something called "The Weasel War Dance." In rabbits, it's called "Binky." You can even find links to videos of small mammals performing this bizarre feat.

P.S.

Am I the only one who sees the extremely ironic futility of trying to make a short list of the sounds that humans can make, using letters and words that humans invented to represent concepts and, yes, sounds?

Double P.S.

This is the real bit of advice. Look up "animal sounds" on wikipedia, and start clicking on what appear to be interestingly highlighted phrases. If you read the phrases that you'll find, that people have written, in the right mindset, you'll laugh so hard you won't be able to click another link.

Punching Harrison Ford

I have never seen a movie where someone punches Harrison Ford and gets away with it.

If art imitates life, and you ever run into Harrison Ford, make sure you don't punch him. If you do, you'll either get shot or exploded or strangled or drowned or melted.

Plus, why would anyone ever punch Harrison Ford? What a good dude he seems to be.

Petting Animals

If you're petting an animal, and you want to stop and go do something else, but the animal wants you to keep petting it, just do this:

Stop petting, and give the animal a couple pats.

This is the universally recognized, inter-species signal for "Petting is done."